The Wheel and Axle

Archive for September, 2018

Imprint

by on Sep.23, 2018, under My Life, Queer, Society

The year was 1998.

It was a time darker than I really acknowledged in the succeeding years. I have always considered it past me, that I’ve put it behind me, that I’ve learned my life lessons, that it was something I could easily shrug off, maybe even laugh off.

Apparently, it wasn’t entirely true, and all these years I’ve suppressed how much of an impact that incident really had in my life.

Recently, at the suggestion of my mentor Jessica, we visited Healing House. We did some alternative therapy, and during my session, I recalled that dark time – the only time I have ever really felt suicidal.

It seems so trivial now. I was an immature, barely-21 young man. Then again, what seems trivial now meant the whole world to someone so hopeful in life during that time.

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Struggling

by on Sep.04, 2018, under My Life, Society

The last time that I ever had truly suicidal thoughts that I seriously considered actioning upon was in my early twenties. I was still in college. I was in an emotionally bad place, and when you’re that young, everything is the weight of the world. Even if, in hindsight, I now think about how shallow the reasons had been for my depression, I cannot discount the fact that it was a reality in me at that time.

What makes one think about taking one’s life is never truly shallow. We must always keep this in mind when we deal with people who may be suffering.

I can confidently say that I have not been at risk of such thoughts since the late 90s. I have never seriously contemplated taking my life since I started working and being independent, even in the most trying of times – situations perhaps worse than what I had in college.

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Undeclared

by on Sep.03, 2018, under My Life, Queer

I don’t know how I’ve been rendered speechless.

It’s not like me to be quite at a loss for words.

I pride myself in my capability to find the perfect sentence, the right turn of phrase, the exact word that makes things right or moves things along. Admittedly, I am stronger with the written word than the spoken, and yet despite this I’ve rarely found it difficult to express things to anyone, at least not in the last decade or so.

And yet here I am, rendered incapable of expressing my thoughts, of speaking my emotions, as though the mere act would consume me.

Overly dramatic, for sure, and perhaps therein lies the shame I feel for something I should actually be joyful about. But where is the joy in the thought of risking all that you want with just a mere utterance of a phrase or two?

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Pluem in Person

by on Sep.01, 2018, under Film & TV, My Life, Queer

15 August 2018.

Originally posted on my Facebook account. I was on vacation in Thailand – first in Bangkok, then Chiang Mai. I never thought I’d ever get this opportunity, but wow.

Ok, forgive this fanboy moment, but I’ve been such a huge fan of Pluem Purim ever since Slam Dance the Series. Yes, I do watch Thai soaps and shows. Sue me.

Yesterday, I found out from the fan club’s IG that he’s flying from Chiang Mai to Bangkok tonight, several hours before our own flight to Bangkok (where we would stay until Friday before flying home to the Philippines).

So I went for it.

He’s really nice and personable with the fans there. It was definitely worth the effort seeing him in person, and it was a nice thing to have experienced on my birthday vacation trip!

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