The Wheel and Axle

Imprint

by on Sep.23, 2018, under My Life, Queer, Society

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The year was 1998.

It was a time darker than I really acknowledged in the succeeding years. I have always considered it past me, that I’ve put it behind me, that I’ve learned my life lessons, that it was something I could easily shrug off, maybe even laugh off.

Apparently, it wasn’t entirely true, and all these years I’ve suppressed how much of an impact that incident really had in my life.

Recently, at the suggestion of my mentor Jessica, we visited Healing House. We did some alternative therapy, and during my session, I recalled that dark time – the only time I have ever really felt suicidal.

It seems so trivial now. I was an immature, barely-21 young man. Then again, what seems trivial now meant the whole world to someone so hopeful in life during that time.

You see, I lost a valued friendship – a friendship of three years – because I fell in love with him. And it didn’t turn out well.

Truth is, it started out okay when I finally got the guts to tell him. It was no issue for him.

But as time went by, it turned toxic.

I don’t even know at what point it went south because I could only remember the contrast of what a good friendship it had been versus what a shambles it became in its dying days.

And maybe that’s why it never left my subconscious even if I’ve moved on: that I never really knew whom to blame, and I never forgave myself for what happened.

My healer helped me see just how much that left an imprint on my psyche.

It’s why I have a hard time expressing my feelings now – for fear of losing yet another valued friendship because I made the mistake of letting my feelings develop.

And that’s the other thing: because I keep on viewing my feelings as a mistake.

I appear flippant on the outside, but inside I’m in turmoil, and it eats at me.

The great thing is that this has been brought out with the help of my healer, and I’ve been able to confront that unseen scar head-on.

Finally, I was able to forgive my younger self for the things I did that brought me to that dark place. Ultimately, I was not unworthy, and my feelings had not been a mistake.

And letting similar feelings develop now with someone else is not a mistake, especially if they come from a good and honest place.

More importantly, a burden that I didn’t know I even still had has been lifted, and I have more clarity now about the value of truth in friendship and in love.

And it will be okay.

It’s time to live something that I’ve always said: history is not Destiny.

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