The Wheel and Axle

Struggling

by on Sep.04, 2018, under My Life, Society

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The last time that I ever had truly suicidal thoughts that I seriously considered actioning upon was in my early twenties. I was still in college. I was in an emotionally bad place, and when you’re that young, everything is the weight of the world. Even if, in hindsight, I now think about how shallow the reasons had been for my depression, I cannot discount the fact that it was a reality in me at that time.

What makes one think about taking one’s life is never truly shallow. We must always keep this in mind when we deal with people who may be suffering.

I can confidently say that I have not been at risk of such thoughts since the late 90s. I have never seriously contemplated taking my life since I started working and being independent, even in the most trying of times – situations perhaps worse than what I had in college.

I don’t really know how I managed to overcome, but I did.

And yet, recently, I saw this posted on social media:

It then hit me. I still do occasionally get these mild ideations. Nothing major, to be honest, but occasionally I would catch myself thinking, “Pakamatay na lang kaya ako.” Even in the most random, most benign of situations. Often, I tell it to myself jokingly, but then I’d be lying if I say it had never been a serious thought crossing my mind once in a while.

No, unlike in college, I have never really again considered actually acting on these random thoughts. But realizing now that they do pop up from time to time reminded me that it’s never easy, muscle memory reflex or not. As what the guy commented above, it’s not a sign of weakness nor a sign of lack of recovery. It just is, and it may never truly, completely go away.

And if it’s not been quite easy to eliminate in me, what more in those who still constantly suffer from it?

So I tell myself once again that it’s important to have empathy, to be kind and good as best as I could, to try and help when I can – and when I cannot, to help others find help.

Coping with life and its troubles comes in many forms, and we can’t always judge others in how they deal with the idea of embracing Death.

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