The Wheel and Axle

Undeclared

by on Sep.03, 2018, under My Life, Queer

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I don’t know how I’ve been rendered speechless.

It’s not like me to be quite at a loss for words.

I pride myself in my capability to find the perfect sentence, the right turn of phrase, the exact word that makes things right or moves things along. Admittedly, I am stronger with the written word than the spoken, and yet despite this I’ve rarely found it difficult to express things to anyone, at least not in the last decade or so.

And yet here I am, rendered incapable of expressing my thoughts, of speaking my emotions, as though the mere act would consume me.

Overly dramatic, for sure, and perhaps therein lies the shame I feel for something I should actually be joyful about. But where is the joy in the thought of risking all that you want with just a mere utterance of a phrase or two?

It will probably take a bit more time before I lift the veil of fear, a bit more time when the courage finally comes through, where my lips will finally be able to release that which I have kept hidden behind my tongue.

I just hope that by then it would not be too late.

For now, at least I can still write about that which I cannot find myself saying, no matter how oblique.

And all I can probably do is just Dream.

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