The Wheel and Axle


by on Oct.03, 2018, under My Life, Queer

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You get pulled in different directions by those imprisoned emotions.

There is a sense of fear and paranoia, of impending pain or loss if things aren’t handled right. As though everything needs to be perfect, and a single  – even minor – lapse of judgment feels like the world falling apart.

Then, there’s the excitement of possibilities, many which may not come to pass soon, but it is intoxicating because of the what might be’s. The what might be’s are a drug, you see, creating a feverish illusion that you know could not be good, but you revel in it, anyway. Illusion is reality in the mind, and mind can shape reality.

You listen to the voices of others whose perception of reality may be more acute than you wanted to give them credit for. Until you realize you want to give them that.

It is a wild and addictive madness that enraptures you and entraps you because you’re torn between impatience and control, between apprehension and certainty, between restlessness and contentment.

The brightest danger you seek to embrace then sends you into a psychedelic spiral upwards and downwards of waiting and wanting; it is a self-imposed promise to respect the boundaries of person that pull you away from diving headlong into the mystery of possibility.

And you end up in a state of utter Delirium.

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