The Wheel and Axle


by on Oct.01, 2018, under My Life, Queer

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Recently, I asked my friend Evan whether he’s experienced the desire to just cry, to let it all out in a wave of tears, yet nothing comes out – no matter how much you try to force it all out.

He said yes.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m alone on that one.

I guess not.

The last time I truly wept was a little over six years ago. In hindsight, the reasons were cringworthy and pathetic. It was ultimately not worth the tears, and hell I never even wept that way over the ex with whom I had the most connection with.

But six years is a long time, and since then, I’ve never experienced any kind of major inner turmoil that would warrant a flood of weeping.

Until perhaps in the recent few months.

And yet, the tears just refuse to come out.

No matter how much I try.

I try because I believe it would be healthy to actually let the dam break and let the floodgates open. It frightens me to think that I may have become numb already.

But I know in my heart that I am nowhere near numb.

To be fair, going to a healer helped clear some of the hidden emotional imprints I’d unknowingly carried for two decades. However, it doesn’t mean that every single uncertainty or fear has magically been removed… and surely not forever.

Still, perhaps it’s more prevalent than I’d thought – this inability to release the pent up emotions building up inside you. Have we, as a society, given too much premium on the capability to keep one’s act together, to be perfect, to be seen as being strong and tough all the time? That any sign of vulnerability is distasteful?

Is vulnerability ultimately not a sign of strength? That you can show your emotions and let these give you power rather than allow them to consume you?

And yet we often still rein it all in. We keep it so repressed that when we actually want to let it out, it doesn’t even want to free itself.

Is it good or bad that we may have become such absolute masters of our own Despair?

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