The Wheel and Axle

Lollipops and Roses at Burong Talangka

by on Jun.06, 2016, under Film & TV, My Life

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Two years ago, during the first Write Here, Write Now workshop with Jessica Zafra, we were given an optional exercise. I don’t remember the exact instructions, but I found myself writing an entire film sequence where the dialogue was composed purely of Filipino movie titles.

I don’t recall ever submitting it. Finding and re-reading it now, I thank the great literary deities that my mentor never got to see it.

I think it’s both hilarious and cringe-worthy. I don’t think I’ve ever created anything so… pilit, except that time in high school where I wrote an entire poem composed only of song titles from Madonna’s oeuvre.

Of course, this one wasn’t written in high school, hence the tinge of shame permeating my bones as I ran through it. Proof enough of that is that I actually found a Nora Aunor / Cocoy Laurel movie titled Lollipops and Roses at Burong Talangka. And managed to fit it right into dialogue.

Still, lack of over-all sense aside, this should be good for a laugh or two. It should also tell you that being creative, successful or not, is an exercise on its own.

Enjoy!


MAGKAPATID

By Allan Carreon

Scene: Madonna and her maid are in the kitchen preparing for a party in the mansion. Suddenly, Madonna’s younger sister Jeannie arrives. Jeannie has just discovered that Madonna had an affair with Francis, Jeannie’s boyfriend.

Madonna: Jeannie, bakit ngayon ka lang? Nasaan si Francis?

Jeannie: Madonna… babaeng ahassss!

Madonna: (looks guilty) A secret affair?

Jeannie: Matakot ka sa karma! Vampira! Corazon, ang unang aswang!

Madonna: (becomes indignant, poses) Pinakamagandang hayop sa balat ng lupa.

Jeannie: Ambisyosa!

Madonna: Babaeng hampaslupa!

Jeannie: Hanggang saan? Hanggang kailan? One night only?

Madonna: The Basement! Oras-oras, araw-araw! Yesterday, today, tomorrow!

Jeannie: Pinulot ka lang sa lupa!

Madonna: Gumapang ka sa lusak!

Jeannie: Babangon ako’t dudurugin kita!

Madonna: Dahas? (looks at maid beside her) Inday, bote!

(Maid hurries off to get bottle just as Francis arrives)

Jeannie: (at Francis) Halimaw!

Francis: (looks at Madonna, realizes what happened, then turns to Jeannie) Amorosa! Babe, I love you!

Jeannie: Sinungaling mong puso!

Madonna: (butts in) Tinimbang ka ngunit kulang! Dapat ka bang mahalin, call center girl?

Jeannie: Working girl! Underage, too! Menor de edad! Bagets!

Francis: Nasaan ka nang kailangan kita?

Jeannie: On the job! Pasan ko ang daigdig!

Francis: (shakes his head) Dear heart, it takes a man and a woman. (comes closer to Jeannie) Ipagpatawad mo: marupok, mapusok, maharot. Temptation Island, nights of Serafina! (takes Jeannie’s hands in his) One more chance? One more try?

Jeannie: Duda/doubt.

Francis: Maalaala mo kaya?

Jeannie: Lollipops and roses at burong talangka?

Francis: Sa ‘yo lamang. No other woman. Sana’y wala nang wakas.

Jeannie: (sighs, her resolve crumblng) Bakit labis kitang mahal? Forgive and forget, maging sino ka man. So happy together.

Francis: Mahal kita, final answer!

Madonna: (snickers as Jeannie is about to kiss Francis) Huwag kang hahalik sa Diablo.

Jeannie: (turns to Madonna and prepares to slap her) Galawgaw!

Madonna: (prepares to fight back) Sige, subukan mo! (pounds on chest with fist) Apoy sa dibdib ng Samar!

(Maid returns with no bottle but has something else)

Madonna: (takes what the maid brought to her) Talong?

(Maid shrugs then leaves just as Madonna and Jeannie’s parents, Andrea and Asiong, walk into the room)

Francis: (approaches Asiong) Mano po. (approaches Andrea) Mano po, two!

Madonna: The Mommy returns! Nasaan ka, inay?

Andrea: Ded na si Lolo.

Madonna: (suddenly weeps) Napakasakit, Kuya Eddie!

Asiong: Anak! Ang pamana, the inheritance: White house!

Madonna: (perks up) Himala! I will survive!

Asiong: Daddy knows best!

Andrea: (looks at Madonna and notices her bulging tummy) Darling, buntis ka na naman?

Madonna: (smiles, then looks at Francis) Ama, (points to self) Ina, (points to tummy) Anak.

Jeannie: (screams at the revelation) Inagaw mo ang lahat sa akin!

Madonna: (laughs evilly) Magdusa ka! Akala mo… bituing walang ningning? Muli: tuhog! Seduction! Sex drive! Gamitan!

Francis: (shocked) Kahit minsan lang?

Madonna: (shrugs) Tuklaw! Ang saging ni pacing: kamandag! Mainit, masarap… parang kaning isusubo!

Jeannie: Engkantadang kangkarot! Impaktita! Manchichiritchit!

Asiong: (looks at Francis angrily) Kasal! Kasali! Kasalo!

(Francis shakes his head, but Asiong shakes his fist at him)

Asiong: (points to himself) Hari ng Tondo! (points to Francis) Patayin sa sindak!

Francis: (with fear in his eyes, he sighs then nods) Lahing pikutin!

Jeannie: (begins to cry and tugs at Francis’ arms) Nandito ako!

Francis: (shakes his head in regret) Kung maibabalik ko lang…

Jeannie: Kung ayaw mo, huwag mo!

(Jeannie runs out of the room as Madonna continues laughing hysterically and evilly.)

Francis: (looks at Madonna) Sanib?

Madonna: (looks smug) Pahiram ng ligaya! (turns to mother) Andrea, paano maging isang ina?

Andrea: Ang tanging ina? Wag kang lilingon. You are the one. Pagdating ng panahon, moments of love.

Madonna: (smiles as she rubs her tummy) Mga mumunting lihim: kambal sa uma, my little bossings.

Francis: God save the babies!

END


Jeeezus, what the heck did I write?

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