The Wheel and Axle

The Noise! The Noise!

by on Jun.26, 2017, under Film & TV, Geeky

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Transformers: The Last Knight makes Tom Cruise’s The Mummy seem coherent in comparison.

Noisier than even all prior Michael Bay Transformers films, which seems inhumanly possibly but there you go, it has the most convoluted plot of all, which is saying something. It’s as though Bay woke up one morning and thought, “You know what’s missing from Transformers? Arthurian knights and The Lord of the Rings and it’s about time we introduce some form of Unicron, no matter how off the mark he is.” The result of such an epiphany could have been either pure awesome or pure disaster. Take a guess.

Truly, the only good thing about it is Mark Wahlberg’s abs and pecs. It’s already disappointing that Tyrese Gibson ended up not being in the film after all, but Josh Duhamel not showing skin is borderline criminal.

“We’re also missing a centuries-old C3PO robot butler,” Michael Bay mused out loud to the extremely baffled producers.

Meanwhile, Anthony Hopkins knows he’s already won numerous awards and has nothing left to prove, so he just wants to collect more paychecks. Same with Stanley Tucci (whom I did not actually recognize until I checked IMDB) and John Turturro (who was basically pointless).

Perhaps they did think the franchise would have some serious cred with Sir Anthony in the mix given that its acting history includes two movies of Megan Fox, but alas, Sir Anthony risks being simply “Anthony” with the crap he had to endure. I find it difficult to imagine that he kept a straight face through all his scenes and lines, especially when he enthusiastically calls Hot Rod “a bitchin’ ride” (true story), but then I guess this is why he has loads of acting awards.

I wish I could comment on the leading ladies, but neither of them generate any kind of name recall, much like the rest of the remaining cast. I will need to have IMDB open when I list the credits at the end of this.

Megatron covers his face in shame.

Oh, right. The giant robots.

They are very loud.

So very noisy.

Call your EENT ahead of time and schedule an appointment with him the day after you watch this movie, should you still be so inclined.

 My Rating: 3 out of 10 Stars. 2 of these stars are for Slag (I refuse to call him Slug).

Directed By: Michael Bay. Shocking.

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins, Josh Duhamel, Laura Haddock, Isabela Moner, Stanley Tucci, John Turturro, Jerrod Carmichael, Santiago Cabrera, Glenn Morshower, Liam Garrigan, Mitch Pileggi. With voice work from Peter Cullen, Ken Watanabe, Omar Sy, Frank Welker, and more folks who helped add to the noise.

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Since June 2016