The Wheel and Axle

Bishop Logic

by on Dec.10, 2012, under Snark

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God punished them because of evil politicians.

God must have sunk the MV Doña Paz in December 1987 because Ferdinand Marcos remained scot-free from corruption charges almost two years after he was deposed. He spared Marcos because he was in Hawaii, which is surrounded by water, and chose to punish 4000-plus people in a ferry traversing Philippine territory, which is surrounded by water.

God must have snapped that July 1990 Luzon earthquake into being, hitting Baguio and Cabanatuan the hardest, because Cory Aquino hid under beds during coup d’etats. He must have also let Mt. Pinatubo ravage Central Luzon and allowed Typhoon Uring to deluge Ormoc in Leyte the following year for the same reason. He spared Aquino because she lived in in Manila, far from those places, and it must have been too much effort to include her on the roster of victims.

God punished us, the audience, by allowing this cinematic travesty to be released nationwide.

God must have sparked the Ozone Disco fire in March 1996 because Fidel Ramos is Protestant. Most of the 200+ victims were young adults celebrating graduation. He spared Ramos because Ramos allowed Pope John Paul II to visit the country in 1995. This does not explain why God caused devotees to perish in the July 1993 Pagoda Tragedy, but perhaps He wasn’t sure if He should punish Aquino or Ramos for the power outages of the early 90s, and so He chose to punish Bocaue instead.

God must have caused the Payatas Tragedy in July 2000 because Joseph Estrada was a womanizer. He spared Estrada because he stopped acting in movies while other actor-politicians just kept on going, so the scavengers were the rightful objects of divine vengeance. Unfortunately, years later, Estrada chose to do a movie again via “Ang Tanging Pamilya,” released in November 2009; this is why God sent Typhoon Megi the following year in October 2010.

This is why Typhoon Megi happened…

God must have sent Ondoy in September 2009 because the RH Bill languished under Gloria Arroyo’s administration, more than a decade after it was first proposed. He chose to punish residents of Metro Manila and other major areas of the country but chose to spare Arroyo because He knew she was in the habit of giving gifts and SUVs to Catholic bishops.

God must have allowed the Super-Habagat of August 2012 to ravage the country because He was mad at the endless railroading of the RH Bill. He sent the rains starting on the day an anti-RH rally was held and ensured the hardest hit areas were the jurisdiction of anti-RH congressmen: Manila (Bagatsing), Navotas (Tiangco), Pampanga (Arroyo), Rizal (Rodriguez), and Zambales (Magsaysay). Note that UST, that stalwart bastion of Catholic academe, became a massive lake.

… and this is why Manny lost.

God must have continued to be wildly pissed off that anti-RH lawmakers were still relentlessly pushing against the bill in early December 2012. As a result, He sent Typhoon Pablo to wipe out Compostela Valley in Mindanao as a warning against overpopulation. He also let the Visayas islands have a little taste. However, He chose to spare Batasang Pambansa in Luzon because, well, who knows. Probably because He wants to give the lawmakers the chance to experience safe and satisfying sex before unleashing fire and brimstone against them.

God must have let Pacquiao lose in his fight against Marquez on December 9, 2012 because Pacquiao had expressed anti-gay and anti-RH sentiments in the past. Pacquiao also forgot to wear his cross, further assuring the loss because (as a friend put it) Marquez is apparently an aswang. He chose to keep Pacquiao alive, however, because He wanted to make sure Mommy Dionisia would still get her Hermes bag, which will now be used to preach against Pacquiao’s conversion away from Catholicism. Pacquiao’s loss is also God’s judgment against Jinkee Pacquiao’s atrocious bangs and headband.

Horseman of the Apocalypse

God will end the world on December 21, 2012 because the Mayans predicted it and because Psy will be holding a concert in Manila the night before. This is prophesied by Psy’s “Gangnam Style” video, where the imageries of horses, horseback riding, and cowboy dancing are an obvious allusion to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Psy, having conquered the world with his hit song, is the First Horseman known as Conquest. It will be the eve of destruction, ushering in a new day, the day of the apocalypse, and Manila will be the first to feel the wrath.

Take heed. Be warned. The end is nigh.

Click me for the finest example of solid logic supported by sensible causation and pure sensitivity.

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